Everyone is an Aussie

Australian Cyclist Have you ever wondered why so many cultures across the world love to BBQ?

You might think it spread over the globe with the missionaries preaching God’s word trying to convert the tribes of the newly discovered continents. Sounds plausible, but it is wrong. I will let you in on a little secret that is about to be unravelled: It is because of genetics.

For a long time we were held to believe that Man (Homo Genus) originated from Africa many hundreds of thousands of years ago. Then for some unknown reason Man got up one morning and decided to walk over to Europe, then Asia, Oceania and the Americas.

Recently scientists have discovered that this is, however, actually incorrect. It might come as a surprise to you, but Man originated from Australia. That is right: Every man, woman and child that has ever walked this planet can trace its roots back to Australia. Genetically everyone is Australian. Congratulations.

Let us look at the overwhelming evidence.

Exhibit A: Going back to my original question why totally seemingly unrelated cultures all love to BBQ. It is in their genes. A Barbie is as Aussie as it gets. As this is evidence enough I could rest my case here.

Exhibit B: Australia is the least populated continent with only 23 million, where Africa has 1.1 billion people. This makes sense as the Aussies where the ones who left many years ago to populate the rest of the world, on a massive walkabout, not the Africans. Everyone is still there.

Exhibit C: True to their newly claimed status as the patriarch over the rest of the world, Australians have always been very inclusive of others. Whenever someone, somewhere in the world does something we like and has some link to Australia, we claim him or her as an Aussie almost as a long-lost son or daughter, no passport or ministerial intervention required. But only for as long as it makes us look good. We claimed Mel Gibson when he was still cool. When you turn out to be an anti-Semite with anger management issues, then you are out.

Mungo Man

Mungo Man (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Exhibit D: Ok, here comes the clincher. Some physical evidence: Mungo Man.

Mungo Man is a skeleton that was found that is older than any other remains found in Australia. He is genetically different that the Aboriginal population and proves that Australians roamed this Earth well before anyone else.

Strangely, in true Aussie fashion, Mungo Man was the world first known prude, right down to the grave: he was found with his hand covering his private parts (see photo). Granted, it would have more stylish if he was clenching a bottle of VB, had a mullet and was dressed in a singlet and the world’s first thongs. Then he would have probably been known as Homo Boganis or Bogan Man.

In any case, the genie is almost out of the bottle. Then Australians can rightfully claim their land as the origin of mankind, the cradle of civilisation and everything else useful that has been invented since. Australia Day shall be proclaimed as the first International holiday. With a mandatory Barbie. Long live ‘Straya.

It explains why people love to come to Australia. It feels like coming home.

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2 responses to “Everyone is an Aussie

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